Dear Bloggers/Readers,
For this Blog i want to talk about self-harming.This is a personal topic that i would like to share with people so that can make people understand and see what its really about.
This is not a topic i talk about lightly but sometimes i think it needs to be said and sometimes it needs to be talked about. but i think that if people are more aware, you can help those who are self-harming
Self-Harming is something that many individuals turn to when they are in times of need. i know this because i was a self harmer myself. Many people think that its for attention and that people want everyone to notice them and blah blah blah and all that crap but i want to set things straight.
Self-harming is like a drug, its addictive and hard to stop. everyone has their own opinion on why they self-harm and how it makes them feel. but i thought i would clear a few things up for those who question and make fun of those who have or are self-harming.
When i was younger, i started ti self-harm. i was 11 years old when i first harmed myself. it wasnt intentional it just happened but when it did. boy did it feel good. all the pain i had been feeling before seem to just disappear, all i had to focus on was the pain of the now. i didnt have to focus on what was going on around me or the way i was feeling. i just felt numb, i didnt feel a thing. and thats exactly what i wanted, i wanted to be free from everything that was bringing me down and tearing me apart. the sting, then the pain and the constant ache was something i welcomed. the skin was tender and raw but it felt good and for once i felt free.
i felt like i didnt belong and that i deserved everything that i got. harming myself took all the pressure away. i didnt see it as punishing myself, i saw it as setting myself free. At first when i started harming it was few and far between. the pain i felt was raw and lasted for about a week. however over time i felt like it wasnt enough, i needed more, needed more pain to distract myself. i liked how it made me feel.
this went on for a long time, my dad started to notice the blood on my shirts and finally saw the marks i had created. lets just say he wasnt too happy, he told me stop, telling me how unattractive it is to be covered in scars and all that. But he didnt understand. it wasnt as simply as stopping right then and there. i had been relying on this release for a long time and i couldnt let that power i had created go.
he soon forgot about it and left me alone, what he didnt know was i had become very careful around him making sure there was nothing he could see or question. it wasnt too hard considering he was never really a round so i was left to my own devices. A few weeks later i found out that my friend was self-harming too.
i felt sick, i was so angry at her for doing this, i wished she could have talked to me relied on me. not hurting herself. Then i realised i was being a hypocrite. who was i to say anything. i was doing the same thing and i didnt tell her. i'd been holding back from her the same way she was holding back from me.i decided to keep my dirty little secret because thats what it was, it was privet, i didnt want people to judge. but thats what i did to my best friend i judged because i didnt realise that she would ever be in pain or do what i had done. i knew what a bueden it was and i didnt like that she was suffereing. i didnt want my best friend to suffer so i decided to take away her burden the best way i knew how.. We ended up having a long talk and she told me everything and vise versa. so when we had finished talking i told her that for every cut she made do i would do double, i told her she is stronger than this and i will share her pain.
She has only been harming for a few weeks but even then i still new how addicting it could be.
so everyday at school when i saw her, i would take her hand and lead her to the bathroom and take us into a cubicle. she couldnt hide from me. i would pull up the sleeves and count what she had done and then add to my collection, she would watch while added the marks.as sick as it sounds it helped. although i enjoyed the pain i was giving myself, i didnt enjoy watching my friend in pain. i couldnt handle that, she was the strong one out of us two.
this continued for a while however each time there seemed to be less cuts each time. whatever we were doing was working for her. and finally it stopped. there was no more. i still kept checking for a while to make sure but she had stopped.
i continued sellf-harming. yes i am a hypocrite. but what i learned from that experience with myself was that she leaned on me for support. she trusted me to help her. she made me happy and she took away the pain because i was surrounded by her and people who made me smile. soon i found myself slowing down on the scars. it was like i didnt want to any more. i wanted to be strong.
i did end up stopping from harming myself. it took time but i did it. at first it was hard when i had stopped as there were times when i felt like i had no control and that i needed it, i needed it so much that i hoped when the pain came it would the last thing i ever felt. i was depressed and that didnt help. but i remained strong most of the time. there were alway some help less moments but i managed. sometimes i would just look at the scars and think of how ugly they were and how in the summer everyone would see. that terrified me. i didnt want anyone to see what i had done. luckily that was my motivation. i didnt want any one to know how weak i was. so when i needed that release i picked up a book and started to read or i called my friends so they could cheer me up. i distracted myself. i got better.
as the years went by i started to realise i shouldnt have been ashamed of my weakness. everyone has scars whether they be on the outside or inside. everone is beautiful. i stopped thinking about how ugly the scars were becuase then my scars showed i was strong, i came back from something that can damage you and i made myself okay. yes i have moments of depression but never so deep that i can be dragged back to the darkness.
here i am now proud to be self-harm free. it was an emotional experience for me one that i will never forget. it has made me stronger and made me realise how worthy i am. i dont need approval from people to be who i want. i can be myself, i wont let people get me down because this is my life now and i get to make my own choices.
i hope as you have read this, people have a better understanding. im sorry if it went into too much detail but i felt that the whole story should be told.
please share by clicking the google+ button and if you have any questions i wont hesitate to answer them.
thank you
anyway laters Bloggers
ashleigh xo
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