Dark Days

Dear Bloggers/Readers,

Where do i begin. Everyone has those days where they just want to stay in bed and never get up. It happens all the time, you start to feel down and you just dont want to move. You are content to stay in the position you are in because you are in a place where you dont want to leave.

Throughout my life i have had many ups and downs. Mainly downs, they brought me to a place where i felt like i shouldnt be here any more. like i didnt deserve to be on this earth. I was very troubled when i was in high school, i was very good at hiding everything. Only a few people actually knew the real me and what was going on.

I was angry at the world for everything that had happened to me. Very bad things happened when i was younger and i felt like i deserved it, like i had brought it on myself. i could have easily blamed my parents for what happened. some part of me felt that it was their fault, if they hadnt abandoned me and left me, maybe i wouldnt be here today writing this and would have never had to experience hell. Many people would say that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. i dont believe that, im not strong, in fact i see myself as weak. some days its such an effort to get up i dont even want to.

Do you want to know what the sad part is, i wish that i would one day fall asleep and never have to worry about waking up ever again, could you imagine that, never having to worry again, never have to wonder what the next bad thing is. i would find peace. When i sleep, all my troubles disappear, i get to create my own memories and people. i can create a funny scene in my head and laugh as if it actually happened. i'm not scared of whats around me, im free.

Some days i would sit on a bus and head to school and think about what it would be like if there was an accident and i was the only one who was injured. i always ask who would miss me. I have a dad who is over in the Isle of Wight with my baby sister and step-mum. He only calls when he needs something. He never calls me to say hello or ask how my school is. Do you wanna know what the worst part is, he couldn't care less about me and my other sister. He only wants to please my step-mum. He has forgotten that we were here first and that we love him to. I hate him but i love him. How sad is that, he has hurt me so many times over the years and yet i still love him, he abandoned me, let me down so many times i cant even count and just lives his life like we dont even exist. He still has the power to make me feel like a little girl who needs her dad. If i died, he would probably feel guilty that he didnt try, but then he will forget and live on like he never even had me. My mum would probably miss me, we have been working towards a good relationship and we have become apart of each others lives again. i know in my hearts that she will always miss me when i;m gone and i suppose thats comforting to know that she will miss me.

How sad it that though to think about what life would be like when your gone, i have tried so many times myself to leave this place and each time i have failed. i have just learnt to accept that it will happen when it happens. I have tried to be strong and be someone but there are always moments like this that i think i failed.

I dont want to get out of bed, I dont want to wake up. I get told to be strong,

Well im trying but sometimes the darkness wins

ashleigh